Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1 (2015)

For the past two days, Harley Quinn has been riding the , annoying Captain Saldana by dangerously standing on the railings and re-enacting a famous scene from the movie . Despite ruining her fun, she obliges him, and promises that it will be the last time - until the last time. Enjoying the view, she spots a man in a kayak up the , and wonder's what he's doing out there in the middle of winter. That man is Trip Bolodon - the Mighty Carp - and he is busy collecting samples of fish killed by the polluted waters of the river. Angrily, he swears that those who sealed these fishes' fate will pay. Meanwhile, in Gotham City, Batman returns home at 2AM to a meal prepared by Alfred Pennyworth - though he is a little disappointed by its relative healthiness. As he serves Batman, Alfred warns that there is a charity event for Bruce Wayne to attend, benefiting an animal shelter to be set up in New York City. For the event, Bruce is meant to be auctioned for a date to the highest bidder. Harley Quinn, discovers the auction as well, impressed by Bruce Wayne's care for animals - when she herself is taking care of a great many pets - and, after being impressed by his physique as well, determines to win a date with him at the auction. Unfortunately, the bidding is likely to exceed a million dollars - and she hasn't got a million. In order to raise it, she intends to rob some big-wigs who ought to have been put in jail, she says, for causing the 2008 recession. Like Robin Hood, she intends to steal from the rich, and go on a date with Gotham's most eligible stud-muffin. That night, Harley goes to sleep, and dreams of her future with Bruce Wayne, beating up small-time crooks with a mallet for fun, on the grounds of Wayne Manor. She would wear diamond-encrusted lingerie, and he would want to have children with her. In her dream, though, he is thinking of thirty-six children - far more than she (or her figure) could endure. She becomes so frustrated by his talk of raising them all that she kills him. Unfortunately, his chatter still haunts her. She wakes herself up, complaining of the nightmare, and Bernie the Beaver suggests that she go back to sleep and try again. She dreams of her wedding to Bruce Wayne, with Poison Ivy as her maid of honour - and would be coming with them on their honeymoon. Once married, she'd take over his business while he's away, and do whatever she wanted. Tony wakes Harley from her sleep to go make some money for charity. Their first target will be Barney Runoff, who ripped off billions from people's retirement funds. For transport, Tony wrangles an ice cream truck, and soon they are at the door of Runoff's brownstone in Brooklyn. Upon his opening the door to them, Harley clubs him with a bat and demands to know where his safe is. He admits that he doesn't have a safe, he just keeps money under his mattress. Tony points out that if that's the case, the money must be stolen, which means he likely won't report it being stolen from him. Begrudgingly, Harley admits that she appreciates Runoff's skill in ripping people off, but disapproves highly of who he ripped off. She racks her brain for a suitable punishment, but after settling on one, she won't tell Tony what she settled on - deciding instead to think on her impending date with a handsome billionaire. Meanwhile the Mighty Carp and his side-kick Sea Robin hide out in the New York Aquarium, preparing to attack the charity event at the . Within forty minutes, they have a car take them, and on the way, the Carp shares his plan to steal the funds raised to build a shelter for fish in Florida instead of the animal shelter that's meant to be built in New York. The driver disapproves, and kicks them out. Left without a ride uptown, the Carp provides a potion that will allow them both to leap the rest of the way. Harley arrives at the Lincoln Center, prepared to win the auction. While waiting around for it to start, she encounters an elderly man who openly hits on her. She expresses disinterest - and worry that she'd break him in the sack - and suggests that he get started without her. Gleefully, he offers her his card with his address on it before leaving - just as the auction begins, and spares us all a two-page daydream in which Harley strangles the old man to death. As soon as the bidding begins, Harley shouts out her bid of $47, quickly trumped by other desperate and rich floozies. Soon, she falls into a bidding war with another woman, raising the bids into the hundred thousands. When it goes up to a million, Harley has to check with Tony to see if she can top that bid. Fortunately, she has exactly one million one hundred dollars. Before her opponent can counter, she strangles her to death. Unfortunately, when Tony drags the bag of cash onto the stage to pay for Bruce Wayne, the Carp bursts in declaring his intent to steal the cash for himself. Harley promises to protect Bruce, and attacks the would-be theives, but she is caught in an electrified net, and drops to the floor. Tony attempts to rescue her, but the Carp sprays him and Bruce Wayne with toxin from a puffer fish that causes hallucinations and paralysis. Bruce dreams of waking up beside Harley, where she promptly becomes jealous of all of the women he has been romantically involved with in the past. He plays it off as if the names she'd heard him saying in his sleep were possible baby names, though they'd only been married a week ago. She explains that she fired Alfred for going through her clothes, and as such, she answered the phone when Commissioner Gordon called in a theft by Catwoman. She is already aware of his secret identity as Batman - and has even replaced his son as Robin. Unfortunately, before they can go after Catwoman, they have to clean all the bat guano off of the Batmobile, and she suggests Bruce hire Alfred back to clean it up. On the way to the crime scene, Harley interrogates Bruce about his black book, with all the girls' names in it. Hurriedly, Batman sprays her with a hallucinogenic mist and writes her name into the book, with a glowing review. Fortunately, she's won over. Bruce wakes woozily with some relief that it was all a dream - a dream far worse than the new found knowledge that he's been kidnapped and ransomed by the Carp, who promises that Bruce's girlfriend intends to pay the ransom before he is scheduled to be executed. Bruce realizes this must mean Harley, and, to waste time, asks what the Carp wants the money for. With help from Poison Ivy, Harley and Tony track down the kidnappers to the Aquarium, but even with all of her friends assembled, Harley insists on going it alone - and expresses some disappointment when her friends are okay with that. Ivy wishes Harley good luck on her date, and soon, Harley is on her way to the Aquarium. After hearing the Carp's plan, Bruce wonders why he didn't simply apply for a grant. The Carp explains that he was turned down for a grant twice. The companies polluting the river bought off votes. Bruce promises that if they untie him, he will provide them the money anyway - and promise to help reduce the kidnapping sentence. Unfortunately, just as a deal is being struck, the room fills with tear gas, and Bruce's heart sinks, knowing he's being rescued by Harley Quinn. She bursts into the room, swinging her mallet violently before slinging Bruce over her shoulder and carrying him away. She then calls the police, and promises that the gas isn't deadly. Now, though, they are free to go on their date. On the date, Harley explains her work at the Free Spirit Assisted Living Home and her job as a landlord. Bruce is actually impressed with her selflessness. After a big meal, he begs off the rest of the date, claiming he's exhausted after all the kidnapping business, and Harley admits that she's pooped too. Before letting him go home, she begs for a goodnight kiss, and he obliges. She turns down a lift home, and sighs all the way back to Coney Island. While daydreaming on the roof of her building, she is surprised by a visit from the Batman, come to thank her for helping Bruce Wayne out earlier. However, he's not convinced she's changed her ways. He warns that he's still keeping his eye on her. She rejects his warnings, but he claims it is only friendly advice. If they are friends, she retorts, she needs to know how good a kisser he is, and steals one from him. Unfortunately, it doesn't get her motor running, and she suggests he take some kissing lessons from Bruce Wayne.